By Daisy Kirby. Recently the topic of female physical pain during
intercourse was brought to my attention, and I realized while there is
plenty of light shed on possible causes, there isn’t much info out there
for how to keep the intimacy going in a relationship while she is recovering/dealing with the issue.
The little bit I did find, all suggested it was the thoughtlessness
of the husband during the beginning of the issue that now has left
emotional stressors, and the only way to get a sexual woman back is for
the husband to go back to treating his wife like she is a queen and he
is nothing but her slave, for as long as it takes. Well, as appealing as
this may sound to us women, I am sure this sounds absolutely terrifying
for the men stuck in such a relationship! Plus who knows how long it
will take for a woman to get back the happy vagina & mental state
she used to have- possibly years!!
I am quite certain that there are plenty of relationships out
there that had to deal with a physical condition having caused physical
sexual pain for her, where the husband was nothing but loving,
understanding & supportive, and yet still there is a lingering lack
of sexual ability for her. Many times a condition known as vaginismus
develops during or after the initial condition is treated. Vaginismus is
when the vagina involuntarily contracts- painfully- when penetration is
attempted. Look it up, ladies. Most articles talking about it also
cover the steps to recovery.
OK; before I go any further, I want everyone to know that I am
not a doctor, and if you experience ANY pain during intercourse, you
should see your doctor
immediately! What I wanted to talk to
you about today is merely how to keep your sexual relationship going
while you’re treating your issue(s).
Even though the woman may be going through a horrible time, there
are husbands out there who just can’t help how attracted they are to
their wife, and will still want to have sex with her (it also might be
his testosterone won’t let him not have sex). There are also men out
there who just won’t believe that the woman is actually experiencing
pain, not just trying to get out of sex (if your woman is going to such
extreme lengths to avoid having sex, I think you have an entirely
different set of problems on your hands, buddy), because they can’t
physically see any damage. If you have one of these guys, I truly feel
for you. Before you all go & label me a “man-hater”, let me also say
that I know there are
plenty of good, thoughtful husbands out
there, who are honestly doing their best to be there for the wife, and
working hard to not get frustrated, and to those men, my hat goes off to
you. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being the man
your wife needs.
No matter how the husband tries to deal with abstinence in his
marriage, there is bound to be pent-up (or not so pent-up) frustration
from lack of sexual release. Men are just built with an incorrigible sex
drive. Pretty much all women know this. What almost no woman knows, at
least according to my talks with plenty of women in my lifetime, is that
most men need that closeness, intimacy, trust, passion, desire, and
openness that only making love with their partner brings, in order to
feel truly loved by her. For most men, it’s not just a hormone thing.
Believe it or not, making love with him is the most direct way to let
him know you still love him. That is why a lack of sex in even an
otherwise healthy relationship may cause a large rift, because he can’t
help but feel like you don’t love him as much, or in that intimate way,
anymore. Kind of depressing, since making love isn’t the main ‘love
language’ for many women (in other words: your wife loves you very much
even if she’s not having sex with you right now. Maybe she cooks for
you, cleans your clothes, keeps you healthy, cleans the house, or tells
you with words how awesome she thinks you are), but on the other side of
that same coin, incredibly enlightening as to why guys want sex so
much. To think, all that time we thought they were just plain old horn
dogs, they were really looking for your reaffirmation that you love
them. Aaww
Anyway, anyway; back to the point of this article.
So you (the wife) can’t have sex for whatever reason. You still
love your husband, but can’t figure out how to show it to him. I have a
temporary solution, at least for the physical act of love-making, to
give both of you that physical closeness, and the release that follows.
You need to know, I am a Passion Parties independent consultant, and
Passion Parties carries a huge array of products, from perfume to yes,
toys. For this suggestion, I will be talking about 2 specific toys. The
first one isn’t mandatory for this ‘sexercise’, but a definite asset for
the woman’s pleasure.
It’s called the Gizm-O. It has 2 parts to it. The first is a
small, flat vibrator with a slight bump on it, for clitoral stimulation,
and it is slipped into your panties, the kind that has 2 layers at the
crotch. Usually there is an opening at one end of these 2 layers, and
it’s between the layers where this part would go. There is no
penetration of any kind into the vagina. The Gizm-O is designed purely
for clitoral/surface stimulation. The other part is a wireless remote
which controls the various types of vibrations the Gizm-O is capable of.
You, the woman, can keep control of the remote yourself, or give it to
your partner so he can be the one to give you pleasure, plus you’ll be
giving him some this way, too, since we all know how men love their
remotes, hee hee. Sorry, couldn’t resist. Just with this toy alone, you can re-create your own version of a
very popular movie-moment (ever seen “The Ugly Truth”? It’s a Rom-Com).
The other toy is the Mimi. In the most basic description of this
toy, it’s a male masturbation sleeve, but it can be much more than that!
Yes it is a ‘sleeve’, made with a soft, phthalate-free themoplastic
rubber, with an opening on both ends, and a tight, textured interior.
Are you starting to see where I’m going with this? We’ll be using the
Mimi as a (temporary) replacement vagina!
One of the reasons I love our Mimi is exactly for this situation.
The physical problems may take a long time to sort out, but in the
meantime both partners will need the closeness and intimacy of sex. I
suggest she place the Gizm-O in her panties, keep them on, and place the
mimi in between her legs right below the crotch, with lube in the Mimi.
She keeps her thighs tight against the Mimi to hold it in place, and
her husband can use the Mimi as a temp replacement vagina, but this way
both partners still get the physical love that is so needed in difficult
personal times such as this. The Gizm-O is for her pleasure, but this
can be done without it (but why?). The Mimi can be used in an adapted
version of missionary (her legs between his rather than around him),
doggy style and spooning positions, with maybe some other ways too, if
you feel like being creative.
Also, if the woman can use small, insertable toys (which are
smooth, and don’t move in & out) I would suggest having her husband
use them on her (with lube), so that he still feels like he has a part
in bringing her pleasure. This is very important, because men can also be psychologically hurt/traumatized if they feel they are the cause of her pain.that’s also what I was trying to say with giving him the Gizm-O remote. If, however, there is pain from any penetration, period,
then definitely feel free to leave the small toys out of the equation,
for now.
So, that was my big suggestion; if any of you have any others, I
would love to hear them. And again, go see your gyno with ANY painful,
or just unusual issues ‘down there’
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Dilators for treating vaginismus